Designer cheek

In this fashion conscious society we live in,  we are supposed to be impressed by ‘designer’ gear. This could be clothes, shoes, furniture or even a ready meal. Well, I’m here to tell you that I am definitely NOT impressed. Take a pair of denim jeans… They are made of denim, have two legs, a waistband and a button or zip fly. What’s the difference between a ‘normal’ pair and a ‘designer’ pair?

They are both exactly the same… but, oh hang on… they’re not the same… the ‘designer’ pair have a label on the back that says ‘by Gusset Vanderbilge’, and they have holes worn in the knees and actually cost 4 or 5 times more than the ordinary pair! And what about all these people who are walking billboards for labels, with huge logos and company names printed on their clothing… Nike, Bench, Hilfigger, D&G, Armani…. etc. etc. They are not only providing free advertising, they are paying through the nose for the privelege! 

Ask them why and they will answer, ‘The designer brands are better made… more stylish… and give me more street cred.’ The real answer is that they are not better made, they are often shoddier and made by two year olds sitting in their own shit. If walking around looking like a mobile advertising unit is stylish, then they may be right, but I wouldn’t agree. As for street cred, if people looking at you and thinking  ’Look at that tosser, what a dick-head!’ is street cred then how can I argue?

And why are these things referred to as ‘designer’ in the first place? Can it really be that it is just because there is a name or a brand displayed on it? What has this to do with design? Surely if design was involved, something new or innovative would be a part of the product… These new jeans from Biffin & Bridge, have four legs so you can mix and match, choose the two legs you want and tie the other two around your waist to form a stylish belt, or share with a friend! The latest designer must-have denims from Timmy Buttplagger are made of a combination of carbon fibre and plywood – stand out in the crowd, because you won’t be able to walk

A step on from farts

Today is the day that Barack Obama is to be inaugerated as US President. Typically, the newspapers today are filled with references to bulletproof glass, security arrangements, anti-sniper measures, armoured cars and bulletproof vests. It seems that there are a considerable number of rednecked, right wing, racist, shit for brains idiots in the US who just can’t stomach the idea of a black president.

Thank goodness these gurning, vacuous, mindless, banjo pluckers wouldn’t know what to do with an iPhone, as a new app has appeared in the Apple appstore that has a much more serious function than all those aforementioned that  do little more than make farting, belching and puking noises. I refer to Bulletflight, which is described as a ballistics computer.

This handy little app will allow the potential sniper to set-up a shot according to the target’s distance, wind speed, altitude and air pressure. Modes for ballistics calculations and bullet weight also feature. Nice to see a more practical application appearing for a change

While our sniper is waiting for his target to arrive, he could pass the time using one of the many shooting and sniping games available for the iPhone. One that impressed me uses photos of dodgy looking guys with beards threatening innocent christians in a window of a nearby building, you just line up the crosshairs and blammo! Or there is always iWeapons which has sounds for everything from a slap, through a mallet and up to a machine gun or chainsaw.

Now that’s entertainment.

F…F…Freezing!

As we all know, the British love to talk about the weather. With this current cold snap and temperatures of -12 being reached, at least for once, when someone says to me ‘It’s bloody freezing!’, I can actually agree with them. For, despite our love of gabbing about every petty change in the weather, we very rarely worry about accuracy in our descriptions. 

It always annoys me, that at the first whiff of the vaguest chill in the air, someone will inevitably say to me, ‘Isn’t it cold? Freezing today don’t you think?’ I always feel like replying, ”Well, there is indeed a slight coolness in the air compared to yesterday, however, I have detected no trace of ice formation occurring.’

Of course, the same is true of a warm day. The gutter press love headlines like ‘Phew, what a scorcher!’ which, of course, appears far more dramatic than ‘Slightly warmish today’. The old chestnut about Eskimos having countless words for different types of snow is reversed here. We only have two ways of describing temperature – ‘freezing’ and ’scorchio’.

On another note, the fart apps in the itunes appstore are still on the increase, but they have now been joined by apps which burp and belch, and one rather choice (and very useful I’m sure) app called iVomit.

It certainly makes me feel sick!

Happy New Year

Thank goodness that load of nonsense is over for another year I was subjected by a gang of evil torturers to the delights of Mama Mia (believe you me, one of the worst films ever made!) on Xmas day, and was only saved by the realisation that I had the headphones for my iPhone with me. I popped them in and watched the excruciating cheese and sugar-fest through the strains of ‘Detrimentalist’ by ‘Venetian Snares’ – an experience which I wouldn’t choose to repeat (not visually anyway), but for a truly surreal and bizarre combination, it could not be beaten. Believe you me, without those headphones I could not have sat through that heap of schmaltzy, moronic drivel for longer than 5-10 minutes.

It was interesting to note that the best selling DVD this Xmas was the aforementioned Mama Mia – it’s amazing how many people use Xmas as an excuse to piss all over their so-called friends. The other noted fact this festive season was that the most unwanted gift was also Mama Mia due to the upsurge of copies for sale on eBay just after Xmas. Why am I not surprised?

At least, once again, I was reminded of what a great all-round fab gadget the iPhone is – it certainly saved my bacon on Xmas day. But having said that, the fart apps in the Apple appstore have now risen to over 50.

When will this tide of flatulence end?