The latest idea to sort out London from that fine, trustworthy loon known as Barmy Boris is to speed up the rate at which people cross the roads. The poor dear recently had an awful experience and had to wait in a car in Ealing – ‘There was hardly any pedestrian traffic to speak of and we were being kept at red for minute after minute. The thing was totally crackers.’ Boris, I feel your pain! All that waiting is not good for a man. As Mayor of London, he is in a position to prevent himself from this sort of insanity in future. So what is the solution?
Well, pedestrian crossings are to be fitted with special lights, possibly with a countdown and an ever speeding up beep alarm. There is also talk of making the little green man walk faster and faster to speed people up. Of course the lights will be adjusted to reduce the amount of time the light is actually red. I recently talked to some visitors from Canada and they were amazed at not only the speed of the beeps at our traffic lights, but also how quickly the red light disappeared again. They will certainly be amazed if they visit in the future!
So, from now on, we can expect to have to wear running shoes when we are out and about on foot. Let’s face it – it’s only ‘oicks’ who walk about the streets anyway. And never mind those old people, blind people, the wheelchair bound and anyone else who may not be able to raise a sprint.
Solve our traffic problems and help people who are so poor they have to actually walk to keep fit. What could be wrong with that? Tell you what Boris old bean, why not take it a step further? Attach a starting pistol to every traffic light – when the lights change, there are three beeps followed by the starting pistol being discharged, and they’re off! A ribbon automatically extends on the other side of the road and we have a winner! There could be a cup awarded to the person with the most wins each month.
Come on, it’s a winner, and with the Olympics looming, we could introduce this new sport to the World.
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