Swine flu destroys World!

Celebrities and their wild and highly entertaining antics have been sadly missing from the ‘press’ this weekend. This is due to the life threatening arrival of swine flu.  11 people have already died in Mexico and a London man was heard sneezing loudly only this weekend. It is feared that the 21 deaths in Mexico could be the start of a similar scenario right here in Great Britain.

We must all be vigilant to prevent this scenario from occurring. Wearing masks whenever in contact with other people and not eating any pork based foodstuffs will go some way toward preventing a repeat in this country of the 46 deaths already reported in Mexico.

If  any of your colleagues display any signs of the illness, sneezing, coughing, sniffing, nose-blowing, or if they just look a bit tired (you can’t be too careful) lock them in a cupboard immediately and call the emergency services. We do not want to see a repeat of the 250 deaths that we have seen in Mexico.

So stay warm, button up your cardies, wear your masks, stay away from bacon and be alert. We can all be a part of the effort to keep this menace from our shores and prevent the situation that the outbreak caused in Mexico where there are only 7 people left alive.

Gotta go, just had a job offer from the Daily Mail – health correspondent…

Stunt Crutches

Maybe I am just out of touch with the latest sports craze, but am I the only one who finds the ’stunt crutches’ advert for VISA to be just a little bit in poor taste. I know that if I had to use crutches or had some kind of mobility impairment, I would be a little pissed off that Visa were advertising credit cards with a perfectly healthy, athletic loon wearing Heely’s and occasionally utilising a skateboard to run rings around the people wandering the streets.

What’s wrong with that you ask? Well, the point is that to facilitate this wonderfully dance-like athleticism, the guy is brandishing what, to all intents and purposes, is a pair of  ’stunt crutches’.

Why not advertise a bank account with a Fred Astaire looky-likey tap dancing on a wheelchair, set atop a surfboard, crashing across the top of a nice foaming crest of a wave?

I really should be in advertising

Harum Serum

The vanity cosmetic industry must be one of the most ludicrous in it’s advertising campaigns and yet billions are made in profit every year, all in the name of vanity. I guess it’s an easy sell. The potential buyer wants to feel better about some aspect of their appearance and are easily convinced by the pseudo scientific babble that accompanies these products nowadays.

A popular one at the moment is the inclusion of the word ’serum’ on the product’s packaging and in advertising – ‘this wondrous wrinkle banishing cream contains a serum, specially formulated to reduce wrinkles. It has been tested on old man Steptoe’s bollocks and he now has two shiny billiard balls swinging in his trousers’.

Wrinkle banishing creams are a real good one to look at – and there are lots of them. As far as I can find, there is absolutely no scientific evidence that they work. There are no proper clinical trials that have been published. The statistics are usually given as something along the lines of  ’90% of women using Glassbollock wrinkle removal cream stated that they had seen a visible improvement in only two weeks of use’. Very scientific – and then you look at the small print and find that only 35 women had actually taken part in the survey.

So what are these amazing serums? Here is a dictionary definition of ’serum’.

se·rum (sir′əm)

noun pl. serums -·rums or  -·ra (-ə)

1. 1. a clear, watery animal fluid, as serous fluid
   2. the clear, yellowish fluid of the blood which separates from a blood clot after coagulation and shrinkage in full blood serum
2. blood serum containing agents of immunity, taken from an animal made immune to a specific disease by inoculation: it is used as an antitoxin and for diagnosis
3. the whey of milk
4. the thin, watery part of a plant fluid

I can’t see anything there that would make this an ideal wrinkle remover. The only wrinkles that you are removing by buying these products are the wrinkles in the many banknotes you will shelling out on useless nostrums and quack potions and unguents. They do not work.

Love your wrinkles. There’s nothing wrong with them!

Latest News – Boots have just paid for a proper clinical trial of one of their ’serums’ – very brave of them, but it paid off. Some positive results were noted with some people after 6 months use. Even though it only does any good for 1 in 5 people I can hear the cash registers from here!