Homeopathic Off License

It’s finally happened. I find myself unemployed after being made redundant. Now I need to find a way to earn a crust. I quite fancy having my own business and have come up with an idea. I am going to open the world’s first homeopathic off licence.

For a minimal outlay (one bottle of each popular spirit) I should be able to keep my shelves full for years. I could get into trouble with the water board mind as an awful lot of dilution will be required to obtain the required potency.

I have already patented the phrases ‘Holistic Hangover’ and ‘Holistic Hooch’. I estimate that a small glass of my carefully diluted eau de vie will be enough to topple the most experienced toper.

Here’s hoping for a lucrative future and what with Christmas coming up…

New All-Black BNP!

Due to an impending legal challenge, it seems that the BNP are considering changing their membership criteria to allow to allow non caucasian, non anglo saxons to join the party.

A large number of BNP members are, of course, spitting vitriol and crying ‘outrage’, but some are just saying ‘So what – they wouldn’t want to join anyway!’. Now, they may have a point there, but I see that as a great opportunity.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if every person of black, Asian or other ethnic background  in the UK all joined the BNP – millions of them! I think then, it would be a party that lived up to it’s name

Pain-free Murder

Ok I admit it – I’m a vegetarian. The reason for this is that I am not willing to kill as I do not need to. I can survive (and get fat!) without having to resort to murdering animals. I do not have that right. And I certainly don’t want some faceless factory worker in a slaughterhouse doing my killing for me either. That is pure hypocrisy.

But now, some bright spark (Adam Shriver, a philosopher at Washington University in St Louis, Missouri) has come up with a wonderful ‘ethical’ solution. Animals genetically modified so they can’t feel pain! He says “I’m offering a solution where you could still eat meat but avoid animal suffering.” That guy must have a heart the size of a planet!

What a complete load of toss. What kind of ‘philosopher’ is this guy? Does this world that exists within his own warped mind have any other brilliant notions to offer us? What about megabombs that kill so instantly that the thousands you have just wiped out are guaranteed to have had a lovely, pain-free death? Oooh, I feel so warm inside!

What about genetically modifying politicians so that they don’t feel guilt? Oh shit, silly me, that’s already been done. Killing is killing, with or without pain. And maybe the denial of sensation, which is the only way to make a creature ‘pain-free’, is far crueller than inflicting a brief amount of pain at death.

I know that 99.9% of the population do not give a toss about killing animals anyway. It’s just something they grow up with and accept as normal. But to anyone who has thought seriously about it, and has a conscience, even if they have decided to carry on letting others kill for them, I hope that they will see that this whole idea is a monstrosity and an ethical nightmare.

The state of British politics

Not a week goes by these days when I am not ashamed and disgusted by our politicians, and by the media they rely on. Take all the furore about the release of Abdelbaset al-Megrahi, the so-called Lockerbie bomber. A man who was convicted by a fairly dodgy court who ignored the lack of any real evidence and instead relied on the testimony of a  (heavily US supported) so-called witness . That’s another issue, but it must not be forgotten that with a proper trial the man may not have been in prison in the first place. When can we leave behind all the old ‘eye for an eye’ crap and start behaving with some humanity. The guy will be dead soon anyway!

Now we get down to our own wonderful politicians and the intelligence of the British press. Some mention found somewhere or other of Brown saying that he did not want Megrahi to die in prison is being used as a political whip, mutterings of double – standards, and that human jellyfish (thanks Steve Bell) Cameron is calling for a public enquiry! What a bunch of idiots and they are either running our country, or soon will be. Our current elected government have totally forgotten that honesty is the best policy, especially when we have a press who will twist any piece of nonsense they pick up on to shout ‘Outrage’ and ‘Conspiracy’. And the main opposition lap along behind the media morons ready to run with any scrap of stinking shit they dig up.

Who is the most at fault here? One can’t help thinking that the press is largely responsible. The fact that they (you know which press I’m talking about) cling to an old-fashioned, elitist, paranoid and privilege based world view, means that any politician speaking the truth would probably find themselves in the hands of a brain-cell free lynch mob. And we don’t have any politicians that have the guts to be honest and declare their independent humanity.

But, at the end of the day, it is not the fault of these trashy, self-seeking newspapers. It is society itself that needs educating. When the great mass of people who make up this country can stop thinking of  ’me, me, me’ and start to look at the bigger picture, that’s when we will see real change for good. If you look at the history of UK politics, the socialist movement was responsible for a lot of good things, the NHS, Co-operatives etc., whilst the Tories were always the ‘Me, Me, Me’ movement. That is no longer true. We now have several political parties to choose from, but they are all, essentially, good old fashioned Tories.

We really do need a revolution and every single one of us need to stop being so selfish and greedy and always looking to better OUR lot rather than society’s.

Ok – you can start throwing the bricks now…

Organic twats

The papers are all chock full of shite today declaring that the Food Standards Agency tests have shown that Organic food is no better for you than non-organic. Duh! It’s all food you twats! This research which cost £120,000 took a while to come to this conclusion and was conducted by a nutritionist. I could have drawn the same conclusion for the price of a pint!

When this twat was asked about pesticide residues, his answer was ‘There is a possibility that organic food has less pesticide residues, but this was not part of the review. Potentially this may be an area for further research.’ This translates as – ‘Give me another £120,000′.

So basically, all this study looked at was the nutritional value of organic and non-organic food. It totally ignored the main reason (well, amongst people I know) that people choose organic food – that it has been grown without adding chemical fertilisers and pesticides. These chemicals have far wider effects on the countryside and it’s rivers and wildlife, than they do on the crops. So this twat of a study has completely missed the point!

Of course, the twattering classes have already been whipped up to a lather by the press – ‘Why should we buy organic?’ – ‘Why do we have to get ripped off by the supermarkets with higher prices for organic stuff?’ How about reporting the cost to the natural world of overdependance on chemicals in farming at the same time? Any takers….? Oh well. Twats!

Sorry about the overuse of the word ‘Twat’ in this piece but now it has been made trendy by that smarmy,  public school twat (oops!) David ‘Twitter’ Cameron, anyone who’s anyone is using it dahlink!

Conspiracy corner

So the King of Pop is no more. Yes, Michael Jackson has died at the age of 50. Many people will be very sad today, not least those who may not get their money back for tickets they bought for the UK gigs. But what is the real story here? I am starting to hear the rumours already…

He was under a lot of pressure over these gigs, he had huge debts and was basically in big trouble. But what to do? Go ahead with a punishing tour and hope that all will come good? …Or appear to die? He had to have a four hour medical checkup to get insurance for the tour and was given a clean bill of health. What’s that all about then?

I put it to you that the King of Pop is living on an island in the Pacific – a very special island. This is the island where the wealthy, famous and infamous go when they want to disappear.

Quite an interesting place to visit, if only we could find it. Richie Edwards from the Manic Street Preachers is there, living two doors down from Elvis. The Bin Ladens run a little kebab empire on the island, and Marc Bolan organises whist drives in the Town Hall. They have welcomed their new arrival with open arms and are already building a small stage for him to perform on.

You read it here first!

Recession Clarity

Y’know, I reckon this recession is just what we all needed. It was either this or a good war, and personally I’m glad we went for the recession. So why is it so good? Well, look at all the things it has brought to the surface? They are things we all knew already, but now we have been forced to confront them.

Politicians are on the fiddle, big bankers are as bent as a nine-bob note and nothing short of very highly paid criminals. Celebrities are largely talentless retards and anyone earning a salary above a certain figure is on the make.

A simple truth in life is that if you are earning £12,000 a year, you will not be able to buy your own home, buy fancy clothes or eat like a King. You will rent your home (at great cost) from some bastard who owns loads of them. You will not be claiming expenses or looking forward to big bonuses.

Now, if you earn in the region of £150,000++ and up and up and up,  you will have a nice home (or two), a swish car, wear the best suits and eat at the Fat Duck. But also, the wages of that woman who cleans your house, the bill for the guy who services your car and the cost of the meal can all go on ‘expenses’.  And that’s before you’ve received the annual bonuses and other perks that probably triple your salary anyway. Who are these people? Just go to a City bar and watch the champagne corks popping – yes, the word is – bonuses are back!

The excuse made by their employers is that they are the best of the best and they have to pay top whack to keep them. But often, these are just people who have, over the years, worked their way into this position, through schmoozing, luck, cheek and sheer front. They are just pen-pushers and managers, nothing more. Sack all the bastards tomorrow, re-advertise their jobs for a much lower, more sensible salary, with no daft expenses and bonuses. I reckon those posts would be filled quickly by people who could probably do the job twice as good because they wouldn’t be spending half their time on the make.

The thing is, that we all sit back and accept that all this is going on all around us and do nothing about it. We elect one incompetent, smug politician into office after another. Look at what is happening in Iran at the moment – the people are mightily pissed off and they are angry enough to do something about it. What the hell will it take to make US angry??

Come on – get out on the streets – pick up that baseball bat! – grab that pitchfork! – light those flaming brands!! What we need is an Angry Mob Revolution!!

It won’t do any good of course, but I reckon we would all feel better for it.

A tip for Gordon

I was amazed this week by the amount of coverage that Barack Obama got in the news for swatting a fly. Even the Guardian covered it with a full page spread, with an added guide to the ’science of fly-swatting’. It seems to have done Mr Obama no harm at all and everyone is impressed by his speed and accurate aim.

Now Barack Obama is already in a place of great popularity so has no need of this sort of character boosting publicity. But our poor Prime Minister, Gordon Brown is another kettle of fish altogether. He is currently slightly less popular than being slapped about the face with a plastic bag full of shit, that has been dipped in rancid chip-fat, wielded by Anne Widdecombe in the nude, with Rupert Murdoch sitting on her shoulders in a monkey costume.

However, maybe Gordon could take a leaf out of Obama’s book. Next time he is being interviewed on TV, we could arrange for a Rottweiler to attack him, attempting to stick its slavering jaws around his leg. Imagine how impressed we would all be if Gordon reached down, grabbed the savage beast, hauled it up and strangled it before our wide-open eyes and dropping jaws?

What a guy! This is the man who should be running this country! How did I ever doubt it?

Think about it Gordon…

Welsh Oddness

Have you ever noticed that Welsh men are considerably shorter than their female counterparts…?  …Neither have I, which is why I was very puzzled to see these public toilets on a recent visit to Pembrokeshire…

That door to the Gents is very small indeed…

Swine flu destroys World!

Celebrities and their wild and highly entertaining antics have been sadly missing from the ‘press’ this weekend. This is due to the life threatening arrival of swine flu.  11 people have already died in Mexico and a London man was heard sneezing loudly only this weekend. It is feared that the 21 deaths in Mexico could be the start of a similar scenario right here in Great Britain.

We must all be vigilant to prevent this scenario from occurring. Wearing masks whenever in contact with other people and not eating any pork based foodstuffs will go some way toward preventing a repeat in this country of the 46 deaths already reported in Mexico.

If  any of your colleagues display any signs of the illness, sneezing, coughing, sniffing, nose-blowing, or if they just look a bit tired (you can’t be too careful) lock them in a cupboard immediately and call the emergency services. We do not want to see a repeat of the 250 deaths that we have seen in Mexico.

So stay warm, button up your cardies, wear your masks, stay away from bacon and be alert. We can all be a part of the effort to keep this menace from our shores and prevent the situation that the outbreak caused in Mexico where there are only 7 people left alive.

Gotta go, just had a job offer from the Daily Mail – health correspondent…